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Chapter Eight
The Head of a Serpent and the Grease of the Brave Bois * The bois, free to explore Zan Saresh now that the bandits having been slain, ask around the town for information regarding the Zorendal sleeper agent. But very quickly, they notice that this filthy town has nothing to help them. Most of the citizens are poor beggars who don’t know the difference between their mouth and their eyes, let alone the location of an elite sleeper agent for a massive empire that had been overtaken by a beholder overlord. And the people that do know things about the agent are too slimy and treacherous to ever give out such information. * The bois sigh after coming to absolutely zero conclusions and decide to stop by the local tavern for a drink. They head into a rustic, disease-ridden, beaten-down, old lodge in the center of town. Inside the disgusting, barely-standing collection of rot-infested wooden framework, the bois spot a pretty basic looking common area of the tavern. A man at the counter catches the attention of the gang, “‘Ello, there! ‘Ow do ya do ye?” he mumbled in barely-comprehensible gibberish. ' * '''Bongo, feeling very tired and grouchy after a long day of searching for information and finding nothing, asks for a cold glass of water from the dirty bartender. ' * '''“Glass of wahtah? What’ye mean?” the old crone murmured. * “Are you telling me you don’t have water? What kind of tavern is this?” Bongo asked. * “Tavern?” the wrinkled freak uttered, “I...uh, think you’re mistaken. This ain't a tavern.” * James, completely outraged at the realization that this nasty building is not a place of merry drinking, slams her honey-gloved fist on the table and demands the man to explain. At that moment, Skimp notices a number of strange noises coming from upstairs. “Uhh guys… I think I understand what this is. I’ve heard the rumors back on the farm.” Aigee-Gorg is fascinated by the sounds and wants to learn more. Kaw pays little attention to what’s going on around him, instead he desperately scans the room for a window he can swooce out of. * The old, dusty crone stepped back from the hulking pandafolk woman, frightened by her deadly Glove O’ Honey. Bongo stands firmly beside James and yells at the dirty man, demanding that he get a cold one to crack open with the boys. * “Please fellas!” the crone cried, “Calm down! Y-y-you see… this here ain't no tavern! It’s a - uh…” he leaned in closer, “This is a male brothel, you see! The Brave Boys’ Bunkhouse!” * Aigee, who overhears this revelation, finally understands the noises from the 2nd floor. He isn’t sure what he should be feeling. Kaw’s eyes widen and he slaps his knee and cackles, “You ought to feel right at home, Skimp!” The rat hisses, baring his rat-teeth at the crow. James, who is a firm believer that sex is sacred and should only be performed after marriage, steps backs, utterly disgusted. Skimp notices that he had been standing under a hole in the ceiling the whole time; the ratboy apprehensively steps away from the area under the hole. * Bongo, taken aback, calmly asks the fellow if there was a tavern nearby. And, thankfully, the dust-bunny points the boys into the direction of the building right next to the bunkhouse. The bois depart the Brave Boys’ Bunkhouse and march on into the tavern. * The very instant James entered the tavern, she charged up to the bar, slammed her fist into the counter, and yelled, “GIMME YOUR FINEST BUTTERBEER, MILADY!” despite the fact that the bartender was male. * The bartender, very confused, poured James a tankard of ale, then added in an entire stick of butter. “Well, uh, here you are….” the bartender sighed then looked to the rest of the gang, “And what about you folks?” * “Just some water.” Bongo yawned, wiping his tired eyes. ' * '“I’ll have what she’s havin’!” Skimp said, pointing to James, “Eh… minus the butter….” * “Gimme the strongest drink ya got, old man.” Kaw demanded, despite the fact that the bartender wasn’t even that old. * “Drink!” stupid little Aigee gleefully cried. ' * '''The bartender handed everyone their drinks (he gave Aigee some milk). “Keep a tight hold of that milk,” the bartender warns Aigee. ' * '''The bois drank full and descended, except for Aigee who spilled his milk all over the floor. The goo begins crying over the spilled milk. The bartender, furious that the floor of his proud establishment has been soiled by little gorg’s spilled milk, refuses to give Aigee a refill and makes him stand with his nose in the corner of the room as punishment for his misbehavior. Before they decided to call it a night, the bois question the bartender about the Zorendal sleeper agent. They ask if he’s seen any unusual characters around. * “Unusual characters? Look around you! This town is filled with unusual characters. You’ll have to be more specific.” the greasy bloke replied, mopping up the milk on the floor before it can soak into the wooden floorboards. * “Have ya seen any folk that look like they don’t belong?” Skimp asked. * “Well, I mean...there’s these blokes that guard the old gaurdtower. They only showed up just recently. Nobody knows where they came from or why they’re here. But they’re pretty grumpy! Step one inch too close and they attack!” the bartender answered, finally relenting and pouring Aigee another glass of milk (which he immediately spills yet again). ''' * '''The bartender stares at the puddle of milk, frozen with rage, his bloodshot eyes bulging out of their sockets, his hands curled into trembling fists. Words cannot begin to describe the unholy rage that burns within the black void where his heart had once been. * “Sounds like a good place to start lookin’!” Skimp remarked. The rest of the bois nodded in agreement. * “Yeah, we’ll investigate in the morning. Let’s get some shut-eye.” Bongo yawned, especially eager for a full night’s rest with no disturbances. ''' * '''Bongo and Thgil and Skimp went on upstairs and collapsed into their beds. Kaw and Aigee asked the bartender if they could have the company of a Brave Boi in their room. The furious bartender complies (simply to get the crow and goo-man out of his hair) and fetches a boi from the bunkhouse. James stays downstairs and drinks away her sorrows, her mind wandering to the land of Tibet. Someday, I’ll return, she vowed to herself, before taking another swig of butterbeer, Someday, I’ll reunite with him. * The Brave Boi arrives at Kaw and Aigee’s room upstairs and knocks on the door. “Brave Boy from the Bunkhouse here!” he called. He was a very muscular orc man dressed in a stark white skin-tight spandex suit. In one hand he carried a rusty bucket full of grease. He wore a broad smile, obviously excited to get down to business. ' * '“Uhh, actually sir, the guy in the next room is the one who ordered you.” Kaw lied, knowing that a very restless goliath and his short-tempered wolf were in that room. * The Brave Boi knocked on Bongo’s door, “Brave Boy here!” Bongo, sound asleep, did not wake up. Thgil, however, heard the knocking and began barking in response. Bongo did wake to the sound of his wolf’s yapping. * “Ehh? What’s wrong Thgil?” he asked hoarsely. * “Brave Boy here! Open up!” the boi demanded. * “I didn’t order room service, go away!” Bongo grumbled as he wiped his sunken-in eyes. * The door handle starts to shake violently, as the Brave Boi standing on the other side tries desperately to get into Bongo’s room. Grease began to ooze through the keyhole. “Let me in, you! Don’t make me BUST down this door!” the Brave Boi snarls like a wild animal, knocking on the door so hard that his knuckles begin bleeding. * “I’m trying to sleep, you damn lecher!” Bongo’s voice exhaustedly hissed. * Fed up with waiting, the Brave Boi made good on his promise and slammed the door down, completely obliterating the hinges. Bongo stood up, towering over the muscular orc, and yelled, “Now look here you freak!” right as the Brave Boi lept onto Bongo and grappled him to the floor, sloshing grease all over the room, including the bed, soaking the blankets, pillows, and sheets. The chances of Bongo receiving a decent night’s rest on such a soggy bed are slim to none. ''' * '''Listening to the ruckus from the safety of their own bedroom, Kaw and Aigee giggle like anime school girls. James Hurley hears all the hubbub, but remains downstairs, slowly drowning in her mug of butterbeer. Wish I had some coffee, she thinks, remembering her old sensei... * “Unhand me you heathen or I’ll have your throat ripped out!” Bongo yelled. The ignorant boi ignored Bongo’s warnings and did not relent. “YOU ASKED FOR IT.” Bongo cried before ordering his wolf to rip out the throat of the disgusting cretin. Thgil dug into the boi’s throat with his sharp teeth and claws. The boi screamed in horrified terror as the wolf destroyed him. The orc’s muscles were nothing compared to Thgil’s savage wolf-strength. ''' * '''Utterly livid, Bongo smashed a hole in his wall into Skimp’s room (the rogue was not phased whatsoever by this) and launched the boi’s corpse into his room; it landed directly on top of Skimp’s teenage rat-body, smearing blood and grease all over him. Then he stormed downstairs and demanded another room from the bartender without pay. James nodded her head as he passed. Kaw briskly strode into Bongo’s room, swooced through the hole in the wall into Skimp’s room, then dragged the brave boi’s shredded, bloody body back to his own bedroom to feast. Aigee watched in horror as Kaw devoured the body right in front of him, the crow’s beak-jaws unhinging. The next morning, all that remained of the greasy orc was a heap of bones, picked completely clean. The Lazy Morning Theme slowly strummed along as the bois slinked out of bed. * “This place gotta shower?” Kaw asks the bartender. The crow-man’s beak is smeared with blood and gore. ' * '''A groggy Skimp perks up at the mention of the shower, for it has been long since the smelly rat has been given a good wash but alas, the only shower lay deep in the Brave Boi Saloon guarded by five sweaty orc bois. Skimp decides to pass and Kaw smashes his face into a mud puddle outside to wash off. The rest of the bois don’t really react to Kaw smashing his face, for this act seems perfectly normal for the foul bird. ' * '''The bois, fresh and rested, head to the gaurdtower that the greasy bartender informed them about. * They stroll on over (the citizens of Zan Saresh cowering in fear before James Hurley after witnessing yesterday’s brutal victory) and come across a couple stubborn guys standing in front of the tower. “Get lost,” says one of them bluntly, his arms crossed. On the outside, he appeared to be a young human man. “If you know what’s good for you.” ' * '''Kaw does not know what’s good for him. Kaw's Theme starts. ' * 'He struts right up to the dude and croaks, “What’re you bois doin’ in that there tower, eh?” He received no reply, other than a low growl. “You’d better step aside, pal,” Kaw continues, cracking his bony knuckles, attempting to be menacing but just coming off as creepy. “You don’t know who you’re dealin’ with here. You better watch your back, punk, cause Bongo and the Bois are in town!” ' * 'The stubborn guy says, “Bongo and the Bois? Aren’t you those guys that killed a few bandits in the street yesterday?” ' * '“That’s right,” Kaw hisses. “We’re here on official business of the Ishandryn Empire. So unless you wanna end up just like those bozos that attacked us yesterday, I suggest you move over and let us through!” ' * '''For a moment, it appears that Kaw’s intimidation has done the trick. However, the guy begins to laugh maniacally as his body twists and contorts painfully. Unleashing a beastial roar, the young man transforms into a vicious, hulking werebear!!!!!!! Kaw shrinks before the massive beast, who snarls, ”I’ll give you one last chance. GET OUTTA HERE!” * Kaw squeaks with a nervous grin, “Alright, we’ll be going in just a second, but first, just between us, can ya just tell me what’s goin’ on in that tower real quick?” * The annoyed werebear SLISHES Kaw across the face with a clawed paw. The rest of the guys guarding the entrance to the tower transform as well into feral beasts, including hissing crocodiles, bats with venom-dripping fangs, and snarling tigers. ''' * '''Our heroes “bravely” run away from this conflict. Once they reach a safe distance away, a furious Skimp gives Kaw the ol’ smackdown live, smackdown raw! and shouts, “Yer just as bad as Aigee!!!” Aigee laughs knowing that Kaw equals his level of annoyance. * However, Kaw instantly redeems himself in the eyes of the rogue when he suggests, “How ‘bout we just go hire a bunch’ve Brave Bois to handle this mess?” * Skimp is mere seconds away from administering yet another smackdown live, smackdown raw!upon the crow, but he pauses for a second and considers the idea. “Ya know,” says the rat, “that plan is crazy enough that it just might work! I take back what I said before, Kaw! You’re nowhere near as bad as Aigee!” Gorg, upon hearing this, begins to weep. * Our heroes race back to the Brave Boi Saloon, and Kaw marches right up to the counter like Big McDaddy and boldly announces, “We’re gonna need about fifty or so of your bravest Brave Bois, and plenty of grease!” ''' * '''The Regional Manager of The Brave Bois is stunned. A hollow voice, he whispers, “I’ve been waiting for this day my entire life.” * The Regional Manager stands on the bar counter and exclaims, “I CAN'T LIE, IT MAKES ME TINGLE!” then complies with Kaw’s demand and orders about fifty Brave Bois, each completely hairless due to the recent shaving session, to assist the crow and attend to his every whim. From the basement grease pools of the saloon, fifty muscular Bois dressed in multi-colored spandex body-suits put on their bedroom eyes and prance out of the darkness, each wielding a massive vat of grease, ready to please. * For once, rather than greasy, the crow-man seems utterly, deadly serious. Thrusting out his hyena-scythe like a staff, Kaw shouts at the prancing Bois, “Let’s get down to business! To defeat the were-beasts! Did they send me cowards, when I asked for Brave Bois? You’re the greasiest bunch I ever met, but you can BET, before we’re through… Mister I’ll, make a Brave MAN, out of you!” ' * '''With the conclusion of Kaw’s inspirational words, the greasy kids charge forward with such a zeal that the city of Zan Saresh had never seen before. The streets were full of the hustle and bustle of daily life but this mattered little to the overwhelming stampede of Brave Bois. They charged right over the dirty peasants, casting them aside like a Dada tossing away an unwanted whimpering fire-rat-child to a plantation after an unsatisfactory shower time. ' * '''“What on Earth?” the hopeless werebear says as he sees the jolly horde Brave Bois charging towards them. * The were-beasts stood no chance. They were completely dominated. Not a single one was left standing. After the intense chaos, the dust began to settle, the guard tower was now completely unguarded. The final enemy, a werebat, tries to escape into the sky. However, one of the Brave Bois grasps the bat’s legs and gets carried away into the distance, his ultimate fate is left a mystery. ' * '''The remaining Brave Bois depart the tower and trundle back to the Bunkhouse, leaving footprints of grease behind. ' * 'Kaw waves goodbye. One of the Brave Bois suddenly turns and blows a kiss over at the adventurers. Thinking the kiss is meant for him, Kaw points at himself and mouths the words, FOR ME? The Brave Boi shakes his head, then points over at the goliath Bongo, blowing yet another kiss in the half-giant’s direction. The goliath and Brave Boi make eye contact, and the Brave Boi blushes and starts rapidly raising his thick eyebrows. ' * 'Bongo catches the air-kiss, then instantly crushes it in his fist, simultaneously crushing the Brave Boi’s heart. The heartbroken Brave Boi returned to the Bunkhouse, only to hang himself down in The Brave Boi Basement, having been rejected by his true love. ' * '''“Alright, let’s get a move on,” Skimp growls, leading the way into the tall, sinister guard tower. Stepping over the desecrated bodies of the were-beasts, the heroes barge into the tower and take a look around. The place is completely empty, full of cobwebs and dust. In the center of the room stands a bowl-shaped altar. “Looks like we’re supposed to put somethin’ inside this here altar,” Kaw says, scratching his feathery chin. The Bois think for a moment, then all eyes fall upon Skimp. * “What?” the rat asks, then utters a string of profanity as he is lifted off the ground and slammed into the altar by his comrades. However, nothing happens. “So we’re supposed to put somethin’ in the altar,” Kaw continued to think. “Something that’s definitely not Skimp… what else could it be?” ' * '''After several more minutes of pondering this riddle, Bongo snaps his fingers and says, “Blood! That must be the answer!” ' * '“But my dad, MY DAD! What does he do? He stuffs a great big chunk of potato into his mouth! And now that really does it.” Kaw replies in a voice consumed with SUS. Rushing back outside, he grapples one of the greasy Brave Bois lingering in the area and charges back to the tower, slamming the bloke into the altar. Skimp slishes the bemused Brave Boi with his dagger, drawing a single drop of blood which falls into the altar with a splat. ' * '''The adventurers are careful not to come into contact with the Brave Boi’s blood, fearing the man’s contagious HIV. * With blood in the altar, a large staircase hisses open from the floor, leading downward into the dank, damp depths of the guard tower. * “Zoinks! This place is slimy!” Aigee squealed as the bois arrived at the bottom of the stairs, into a large open area. Bongo and the Box Turtles spot a figure standing in the middle of the room. This bloke was a portly human man wearing Zorendal armor that didn’t quite fit his large physique. “YOU THERE!” Kaw screeched, pointing at the foe, screaming as loud as his lungs would allow, “WHO MIGHT YOU BE?” * “You can call me Freddie! Freddie ‘MACHO MAN’ Savage.” the man wailed, flexing his flabby arms with the words, “macho man.” * “You don’t look so ‘macho.’” Bongo said, unimpressed, “You look like you’ve had one too many buttermilk crispy tenders.” The bois point and laugh at how pathetically slobbish the cretin is. Freddie Savage stood there silently for a moment, feeling the world crumbling around him as the bois ridiculed him. Their harsh words echoed in his head, Dirty slob! Flabby loser! Disgusting freak! Freddie clenched his fists, straining himself, making his face go blood red. He thought to himself, Maybe they're right. Maybe I am a gross abomination of horrible proportions. He fell to his knees, loosened his clenched fists and stared down at the floor, his eyes wide and unfocused. Macho Man was ready to give up. Ready to end it all. Until James Hurley said the most abominable thing to him, the statement that ceased Freddie’s sadness and stoked the hidden flames of his rage. James pointed at him and said, “You’ll never be a good food reviewer!” A light turned on in Freddie’s head, James had done it. * “YOU’LL PAY FOR SAYIN’ THAT!!” Macho Man shouted, tears of anger flowing down his pudgy face. He pulled out some Burger King chicken nuggets and popped them into his fat gullet. “THE POWER OF BK FUELS ME!” Freddie Savage wailed, his body metamorphosized into a gigantic scaly snake. Seeing as how nourishment from Burger King seems to increase the snake-fiend’s power, Kaw grasps the bowls of Burger King lettuce and immediately infects them with his crow-foot fungus. This is the last thing Macho Man wants on his Burger King burger, and he thrashes his giant tail violently, spitting venom from his glistening fangs in rage. ''' * '''The transformation was complete, and before the bois lay a massive, ten-foot-tall, black snake. * ROLL FOR INITIATIVE! * The Bois slap around the were-snake like he’s nothing but a monstrous spaghett noodle, shouting insults such as, “Lethan!” and “Harrybo’s grandad!” Freddie Savage had extremely low touch-AC due to his obesity, so the bois simply spammed touch attacks until they inevitably won. The big serpent was pummeled into near non-existence, screaming and thrashing the entire time, he screamed about various family members who would avenge him such as Aunt Celeste, Papi Chulo, Cousin Elmer, Paco Reban, Carl Chalders, and Lt. Colonel Franc Slate. “Shut up, you greasy worm!” Kaw screeched before he slicing Freddie’s snake head clean off with his scythe. * With the battle ceased, the bois search the room for any valuables. And before their eyes sits a magnificent statue of SOMETHING. Aigee runs up to the marvelously-crafted statue and rubs his goo against it. The bois go to lift the statue, except for Bongo and Thgil who stay back. Bongo says, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” as he imagines wearing a clone trooper helmet. * “WHAT?!” Aigee suddenly bellows as his gooey body begins rapidly transforming into solid stone. “WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!!” ''' * '''In a matter of seconds the transformation is complete, and Aigee has been reduced to a mere stone statue, forever stuck in the following pose: * * From the statue Aigee touched emerges an angry deity, the goddess of the werewolves Jezelda, who screams at stone-gorg, “How dare you disrespect my statue!” She then turns to the rest of the heroes. “I suppose you’ll try to save your little friend, right? Well it’s no use. He’ll be stuck like that forever!” The Bois exchange glances, then shrug and say, “Nah, this is fine.” With Aigee turned into a statue, they won’t have to deal with his autistic screeching and greedy goo-hands any longer. “Oh… okay then,” the shape-changing goddess vanishes with a puff of smoke. ' * '''The Bois suddenly realize that, when in statue form, Aigee-Gorg will be even more of a burden than normal, since they’ll have to lug his heavy stone body around and make sure it doesn’t get damaged. “We gotta find a way to turn him to normal.” Bongo sighed deeply. ' * '''Skimp cackled, “Let’s chisel off his tongue first!” * The Bois barely succeeded in holding back the wild rat, managing to tie him up with a rope so that he couldn’t get anywhere near anybody’s tongues. “Well this is a fine mess,” Kaw grumbled, “how’re we supposed to fix him?” “How about you call upon that imaginary ‘friend’ of yours.” Bongo suggested. “What’re you jabbering about, ya big bozo?” Kaw asked incredulously. “Don’t play dumb, crow,” the goliath told him sternly. “You might have tricked the others, but you can’t fool me. I know all about your pact with the Mistress of Decay back in the Rockwater tavern. And I know what you did to poor Scazzle.” He glared disapprovingly at Kaw’s bony scythe. ' * '''The tengu gulped as the half-giant’s shadow fell over him. “So why don’t you give Her a call? Perhaps she can fix this goo problem.” ' * 'Not daring to ignore a direct order from Papa Bongo, Kaw lifted his scrawny arms and shouted to the ceiling, “Urgathoa! I could use a little help here!” Just like before in the Rockwater tavern, time seemed to freeze around the oracle. The rest of the Bois were paralyzed, unaware that time had stopped. From the shadows emerged Urgathoa in all her stunning, half-rotten glory. Once again Kaw was completely swept off his feet by the goddess’ beauty. “What do you need, my oracle?” she demanded in an icy voice. ' * 'Kaw pointed frantically at the Aigee statue and cried, “Gimme back the goo!” Urgathoa looked down at the goo statue. She opened her mouth to say something, but as soon as she did, gallons upon gallons of szechuan sauce began pouring out of her horrid mouth, spilling all over the floor. Kaw backed away, initially shocked. Urgathoa pointed to the Aigee statue, then to the sauce. Kaw instantly understood. He went up behind the statue and gave it a big ‘ol shove. The fossilized Gorg fell into the szechuan sauce. The sauce seemed to eat away at the hard stone, giving way to slimy gooey flesh. After about ten seconds, Aigee was back to his normal self once again (at least, as normal as Aigee could be). “I AM REBORN!” he announces, before shaking off all the szechuan sauce like a wet dog. ' * '''Time unfreezes and Urgathoa stops vomiting the Mulan sauce. * “What the--?” Skimp and James sputter in total confusion, their eyes darting from the pool of szechuan sauce to the reborn Aigee to the decayed scythe-wielding goddess. Bongo stood there completely unphased, nothing that Kaw and Aigee did surprised him anymore. “I have done as you wish,” Urgathoa told Kaw with a villainous grin. “But nothing is free. Everything has a price. And now, my disciple, you must pay.” She then snatched Kaw’s left arm. The crow writhed in absolute agony as his arm rotted away to nothing, leaving only a withered stump behind. With that, the goddess slinks back into the shadows. * “Uhhh… you care to explain what just happened, nasty crow?” Skimp demanded. The Bois gathered around Kaw, closing in. “Who was that disgusting lady with the scythe?” Nursing his bleeding stump, Kaw chuckles, “Eh, well, ya see… that’s not important. What matters is Aigee ain’t a statue any more. Now let's get outta this dirt hole of a town and get paid by Maldrek!” ' * '''Keeping a suspicious eye on the lying crow, the Bois scooped up the giant severed head of the “Macho” Man and hauled it back outside. ' * 'The bois trundled on through Zan Saresh, brandishing the decapitated head to anyone that tried to challenge their authority. The arrived at the docks, ready to depart this greasy place. But, egads, the roast is ruined! Suddenly, a task force of five Zorendal Agents popped out from nowhere, brandishing mighty weapons and spells. Amongst the agents are a nasty lizardfolk, a man made completely out of shadow, a woman who wields a barbed wire whip, and a couple other ugly brutes. “We’ve been handpicked by Terrick himself to hunt you runts down!” the hunters snarl. ' * '“REEEEEE.” Skimp cried as the agents conjured a giant, flaming wall of stone, completely surrounding Bongo and the Buckhorns. With no means of escape, it seems the bois will have to fight their way out of this one! Without a doubt, this will be an unforgettable luncheon! ' * '''SESSION END!